Hey Ben! A lot has happened these days. I've broken up with my ex as I felt that he wasn't the right one for me. Lots of excuses like things which he did that were not to my preference but the main reason would be, I didn't love him. Perhaps, there's still the person in my heart who has been there for the past few years.

Met up with Ron earlier this month. He said you've been posted elsewhere but you were still enjoying yourself. That's great to know. I'm just glad that what I've been praying for all these years came true. I'm glad I kept believing =)

I've also been chatting a bit with Rad these days cos he started texting me. He's a nice guy. Had coffee with him the other day and movies and dinner too. I think it's more like hanging out with him cos I've not seen him in a year. There are times when I wonder if I might fall for him but I always feel that there's something that I don't like. Ron is my good friend. I think he'll be one of the best guy friends in the world except that he doesn't have affinity for the same gender. He's attached to his best friend but I know Rad does chat with Ron's best friend who is also his "best friend". That was one of the reasons why I didn't get together with him two years ago. I wouldn't want a boyfriend whose best friend is a girl but that girl's not me. There's also some religious issues too.

Enough of me already. How have you been? Doing well? Oh wells, it'll be christmas soon. I wonder if I should send you a card or something. Haven't sent you anything since your birthday last year as I didn't receive a reply. I'm not sure if I'll be a bother to you or what. Perhaps I'll send you a card as soon as I sort out my feelings. Also, in about 3 months, you'll turn 21. Should I send you a card then too?

You know Ben, I've been keeping the necklace on recently. I think it's a good reminder to remaing single for a while. I feel that I might be compelled to get into another relationship haphazardly.You know I loved you and I'm trying to find another person who I'll love just as much but it's just not the same. Perhaps there's a different kind of love?

Take care and chat with ya soon.

P.s. Shakugan no Shana season 3 is out =) (if you're still chasing the series)

Hey =) Today's been a pretty eventful day. There was Rag in the morning and it was kinda tiring. Somewhat reminds me of those days when you used to tell me not to keep doing everything myself and carrying everything myself. Guess I won't hear those words from you anymore.

Gave tuition in the afternoon. It was fun but after tuition, I was involved in an accident. A cyclist and I collided. His bike hit my abdomen which is still hurting now. Sighs, I really wanted to tell someone about this but there's no one to say this to. It was just a sharp pain but I'm fine now, just a bit sore and such.

Sometimes I just keep thinking if my current bf's the right one for me cos I always feel that I don't tell him a lot of stuff. Even my accident today..

Hope you're doing well. Please be joyful always.

Hey, it's really great to hear from my bio buddy that you're doing well and enjoying your vocation. I'm really glad that my prayers seem to have been answered. Hope you'll do well.

Happy Birthday

Sometimes I wonder, was it a test for me? To see if I could keep my promise, even though I knew my friend like you... Even though I knew you liked my friend... It's been a long time since I wrote here but it's the few times of the year..

Last year, around this period, I was crying miserably. I wasn't the only one suffering.. My friend is suffering too. She's probably as miserable or could even be ore miserable than me.. But then again, who am I to judge a person's misery?

This is a bit late but I figure that it's the least I can do, besides the annual singing of birthday songs in prayer and hoping that it'll reach you in one way or another..

"Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to Archer
Happy Birthday to you"

You're a year older now.. So hopefully you'll be wiser and more joyful.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Hey. Sometimes I actually wonder if I've moved on. Even when we stopped chatting, stopped writing letters, stopped going home together, stopped doing everything together, I was upset and I cried but after a while, it didn't hurt that badly. For the rest of the year, seeing you wasn't such a pain. Even this year, when I saw you for one last time, it didn't really hurt. Yet, once in a while, I'll have these IMB moments when I'll start crying uncontrollably. It feels as though I've lost you forever. As though a widow who has lost her loved one. The times when I remember things we've done together,  I just start crying, knowing that those memories will not be reality again.

Indeed, the first few months were though, when I had to accept that you are gone from my life forever. Yet after a while, I try to direct my thoughts elsewhere, but it didn't seem to help. You've set the benchmark really high and as much as I don't want to compare people, there's no one close enough to the benchmark. This year, I thought I had moved on, but everytime I have IMB moments, I start to question myself if I have actually moved on.

For the past 6 years, I wanted to do math and psychology in Australia. You know of my plans too. Yet when I received the offer, I don't know what to do. I've accepted math locally, but I'm uncertain of my choices. I'm uncertain of my future. I've never been this uncertain before. And I start questioning myself, what do I want? What do I want? I really don't know. I have no answer for it. When you were around, everything seemed possible. Everything seemed more colorful and vibrant. Everything seemed more lively and secure.

I'm in such a wreck these days. I'm uncertain. I'm unsure. I don't know what's the right choice anymore. I don't even know if I had even chosen the right choice. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night. Until it's close to one hour since I lay my head to rest. Sometimes, I just don't have the appetite to eat. I've had half meals for a couple of days. I just don't feel like having dinner. I wonder if eating has become a chore for me. It used to be so nice to have lunch and dinner with you.

If you were me, what would you suggest I do?

Hey. I was feeling kinda down today. In the morning, I had a dream of you. I dreamt that we got closer together. Not as close as before, but somehow we were watching some movie on a couch. It's one of those movies that I deem as "boring", like Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.



Then I had church. The organist didn't turn up today, so 5 mins before the start of the mass, I was asked to play the piano. Kinda nervous and anxious cos I didn't practise at all. I only accompanied them for a while last week as the organist wasn't around so I thought they might need some accompaniment for the choir practice. The whole music was kinda bad as I slipped on lots of wrong notes. Played the wrong chords too as I tried to improvise so it won't just be the melody.


Had bible class after that and went for lunch with Ryan at Food for Thoughts. It's a lovely place, there. I love their apple crumble. So maybe we could visit there sometime?


My vocal teacher called after that and angrily demanded me to return her books as she needed to pass it to a student tmr. I was supposed to return by ytd but I didn't have time so she was rather angry when she called at night. Plus, she said to call her when I'm going to return the books.Thus, I thought of calling her when I'm on the bus so that she does not have to keep waiting for me. So was really feeling very down today.


Went to get 5 pink gerberas after returning my teacher's books and headed back to church. Offered those flowers at the grotto and said a short prayer before going to the adoration room and prayed to God. I'm not sure if my prayers get to you but I hope they do, somehow.


Felt much better so I went home and fell asleep cos I cried too much today. Woke up, showered, had dinner and tried to do this blog thingy.


Sighs, you probably might not even chance upon these letters. Still, I hope you won't mind me writing them.


Hope you'll have a great day tmr at camp. It's kinda overdue but congrats on getting into OCS.








P.s. Can I still call you Archer/Ben?