Bengela

Bengela is a word coined by from two names, namely Benjamin and Angela.

Brief history
We met each other from a math and science selection camp in June 2005.
We only knew each other's name and contact details.
We didn't communicate much except to find out if we both got into the school.

Being the blur queen, I didn't realise that he was accepted into the school too.
So for one whole year (2006), I couldn't match the face to his name (although he claimed that he tried waving to me but I didn't notice so he kinda gave up).

The following year, some of our peers introduced Angel&Mortal to the cohort.
There were four classes so the odd numbered classes wrote to each other while the even numbered classes wrote to each other.
We had to pick out a name from the selected class.
When it was my turn, I happened to pick out his name so in my mind I was thinking "Phew, at least it's someone I kinda know so I won't feel too awkward".
Then it was his class' turn to pick out the names and miraculously, he picked out mine but was told that he had to pick another name (cos we both can't be angel and mortal at the same time since I picked his name first).
So he passed it to his good friend who later became my angel.

But, that's another story.

So I wrote the first letter to him on 22nd February 2007 to support this student initiative, under the alias "Saber" (an anime character from Fate/Stay Night that I really liked then).
And,

He replied! Along with a drawing of that character in his letter.

It was interesting so I continued writing to him and he continued to reply my letters along with different drawings/designs each time.
So the letter rates started from 1 every 2 days (cos we'll both take a day to reply) to occasional 2 in a day (i.e. I/he will pass the letter, he/I replies on the same day, I/he "rushes out" another reply on the same day).
During the holidays, the letter rates are at 1 every fortnight (cos it takes a few days for the post).

Occasionally, I'll bake sweet treats for him as I make desserts for my friends.
And he'll surprise me with drawings,little snacks and souvenirs from his holidays.

Rarely, by some chance unforseen stroke of good luck, we'll go home together since I alight a few stops after him.
I didn't know our homes were that close.
The first time was on a thursday in August.
I was just rushing to get home after tuition, 2 stops from school.
He was on his way home from trigonometry (or chickenometry as he prefers to call it) lessons.
We just met each other on the bus, sat together and chatted.
That's how we started going home together.
I'll try to catch him on the same bus on thursdays.
Unfortunately, there were times we didn't manage to go home together.

Through these letters, I got to know him better and with each letter, I fell for him even more.
It seemed like the ideal relationship I had in mind - getting to know each other better through letters (I'm truly traditional).

The next year, we had to stay in the school's hostel.
By then, we wrote over 100 letters.

January
His birthday.
Gave him a personalized keychain and we went out to play pool with another friend.
(This is not a date.)

14th Febrary
He surprised me with a rose and some chocolate, a peer support leader initiative in school.
(It was supposed to be a student council initiative and I was doing the planning for it. Guess it would have been awkward.)

I confessed to him that I like him on 15th February 2008.
My only intention was to let him know how I felt about him, I didn't need a reply.

February
My birthday.
He gave me this huge pink bunny stuff toy which I hugged to sleep every night that year.
Plus, there was a hand-drawn card.
I was too busy with council stuff so we didn't manage to go out to celebrate.

Letters continued. The monthly sweet treats continued. We went out a few times with our group of friends.

July
Around that time, one of his friend showed interest in me and I didn't know what I should do.
So on 22nd July, he suggested that we walk around the school track at night and talk about it.
Since then, our night walks began.

We'll walk every night without fail.
Chat about everything under the sky, literally too.

August
Field trip to Tioman.
We had our night walks there and spent some time together although we weren't in the same group.
Went for snorkelling together, explored areas with some friends.
He gave me a reply on 10th August.
It was a mutual feeling, but we weren't officially together.
He was (and probably still is) my best guy friend and I believe I was his too.

4th September
First time we went out to watch a movie alone.
Went to a mall near our place.
Hung around, chatted together.

The rest of the year..
We wrote letters, went out, chatted, continued out night walks.
In general, we spent a decent amount of time doing things together.

November
We had a disagreement.
He wanted to hang out with one of our female friends but she told me about it first before he did.
I didn't mind until he started trying to clarify things, which made things worse.
So I didn't want to see him.
Didn't want to go out with him.
But he reassured me, so I went to meet him two days later.
He showed up with a letter and a bouquet of 10 pink gerberas with a cute pink ribbon.

Pink gerbera daisies are joyful flowers.
They are perfect representation of friendship.
Light pink gerbera daisies stand for admiration and sympathy and dark pink gerbera daisies are a symbol of gratitude.

Spent the day at our usual place.
And we're back like before, or even stronger.

January 2009
We had one h2h (heart to heart) talk early January.
And then, things weren't exactly the same.
We weren't on speaking terms for the rest of the year.
I don't know what happened, what went wrong.
Asked him about it and he won't say.
Probably he's clueless about it too.
He wrote his last letter to me.

His birthday
Baked and designed cupcakes for his birthday.

February
Gave him a scrapbook for Valentine's day.
He gave me a cute pink stuff toy handphone strap for my birthday, along with a hand-written note.
That was the last thing I've ever gotten from him.

March
Still clueless about why we're not on speaking terms anymore.
Tried to initiate conversations unsuccessfully.

April
Starts emoing for a week.

May
Sudden pain in abdomen past midnight, rushed to hospital.
Was told that I might have to stay for observation.
Told them that I had exams the next day (That was an excuse. More importantly, I wanted to speak to him after the exams, thinking that it was the exams he was worried about, which was why we weren't talking.)
Rushed to school in the morning, with loads of painkillers at hand.
Finished exam and chatted with him for a minute, unsuccessfully.

June
Tried to chat with him again. Nothing changed.

Rest of the year
Continued baking for him.
No more letters.
Didn't go home together.
Avoided taking the same bus.
I got closer to another guy, he got closer to another girl.

Graduation
Last sweet treat for him.

Prom
I went to prom with another guy.
He went to prom with his guy friend but sat beside that girl.
We didn't sit together, didn't have any eye contact, didn't even speak to each other again.

Christmas
Sent card and SMS as usual.

January 2010
Teachers' wedding.
We turned up for the wedding (unexpectedly).
He convinced that girl to go and she did, though they weren't on speaking terms then (I don't know why and I hope I'm not the cause of it).

His birthday
A card sent and a birthday SMS.

Mine

The rest of the first half of the year
Occasional struggles and tears as I recall those fond memories.
I term them IMB moments (short for I miss Ben).
Some dreams of him, recollection of fond memories, tears when I realise he's really gone and I can't seem to do anything.
In various scenarios, I'll always associate it with him, how he used to help me, how he used to stand by me, how he used to comfort me.
But now, I'm alone.

July
Was upset over something and thought about him, so I thought about creating this site to continue writing to him as though he's still here.