Hey. Sometimes I actually wonder if I've moved on. Even when we stopped chatting, stopped writing letters, stopped going home together, stopped doing everything together, I was upset and I cried but after a while, it didn't hurt that badly. For the rest of the year, seeing you wasn't such a pain. Even this year, when I saw you for one last time, it didn't really hurt. Yet, once in a while, I'll have these IMB moments when I'll start crying uncontrollably. It feels as though I've lost you forever. As though a widow who has lost her loved one. The times when I remember things we've done together,  I just start crying, knowing that those memories will not be reality again.

Indeed, the first few months were though, when I had to accept that you are gone from my life forever. Yet after a while, I try to direct my thoughts elsewhere, but it didn't seem to help. You've set the benchmark really high and as much as I don't want to compare people, there's no one close enough to the benchmark. This year, I thought I had moved on, but everytime I have IMB moments, I start to question myself if I have actually moved on.

For the past 6 years, I wanted to do math and psychology in Australia. You know of my plans too. Yet when I received the offer, I don't know what to do. I've accepted math locally, but I'm uncertain of my choices. I'm uncertain of my future. I've never been this uncertain before. And I start questioning myself, what do I want? What do I want? I really don't know. I have no answer for it. When you were around, everything seemed possible. Everything seemed more colorful and vibrant. Everything seemed more lively and secure.

I'm in such a wreck these days. I'm uncertain. I'm unsure. I don't know what's the right choice anymore. I don't even know if I had even chosen the right choice. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night. Until it's close to one hour since I lay my head to rest. Sometimes, I just don't have the appetite to eat. I've had half meals for a couple of days. I just don't feel like having dinner. I wonder if eating has become a chore for me. It used to be so nice to have lunch and dinner with you.

If you were me, what would you suggest I do?

Hey. I was feeling kinda down today. In the morning, I had a dream of you. I dreamt that we got closer together. Not as close as before, but somehow we were watching some movie on a couch. It's one of those movies that I deem as "boring", like Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.



Then I had church. The organist didn't turn up today, so 5 mins before the start of the mass, I was asked to play the piano. Kinda nervous and anxious cos I didn't practise at all. I only accompanied them for a while last week as the organist wasn't around so I thought they might need some accompaniment for the choir practice. The whole music was kinda bad as I slipped on lots of wrong notes. Played the wrong chords too as I tried to improvise so it won't just be the melody.


Had bible class after that and went for lunch with Ryan at Food for Thoughts. It's a lovely place, there. I love their apple crumble. So maybe we could visit there sometime?


My vocal teacher called after that and angrily demanded me to return her books as she needed to pass it to a student tmr. I was supposed to return by ytd but I didn't have time so she was rather angry when she called at night. Plus, she said to call her when I'm going to return the books.Thus, I thought of calling her when I'm on the bus so that she does not have to keep waiting for me. So was really feeling very down today.


Went to get 5 pink gerberas after returning my teacher's books and headed back to church. Offered those flowers at the grotto and said a short prayer before going to the adoration room and prayed to God. I'm not sure if my prayers get to you but I hope they do, somehow.


Felt much better so I went home and fell asleep cos I cried too much today. Woke up, showered, had dinner and tried to do this blog thingy.


Sighs, you probably might not even chance upon these letters. Still, I hope you won't mind me writing them.


Hope you'll have a great day tmr at camp. It's kinda overdue but congrats on getting into OCS.








P.s. Can I still call you Archer/Ben?